There are definite times, especially after days where faith in homo-sapiens is crippled by a room of disrespectful teenagers, where I wish that survival of the fittest truly did apply to humans. Dark moments, where, instead of blaming Mr. White for standing by as Jane overdoses on crystal meth, choking to death on her own vomit, I might blame Jane; I might not shudder in horror so much about the fact that Mr. White can stand by and let that happen, but shudder in horror about the fact that people drug themselves to such an effect that they cannot prevent themselves from choking on their own vomit. That our species is one that lets this happen and celebrates it in circles. That a kid in class today said he almost got in three accidents while driving with his friend. When I suggested he not take a lift from that friend anymore he said, "No, it was so much fun." 

Survival of the fittest. I have days like today where I drive home and cannot commit an ounce of strength to smiling. Where the guy in front's bank card isn't working and I don't offer any kind of sympathy. Where all I see are a bunch of thick-skulled species sitting down in vehicles to get from a to b. From work to home. All for money, money, money. Where I don't feel like arguing why a person might be a truly awful human being on account of how they have been treated by others. I want to simply shout: GET OVER IT AND BE A BETTER PERSON THAN THEY ARE; THERE ARE NO EXCUSES FOR THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOUR.

The sad part is that if we left the world to chaos it would be chaos. While I recently watched a documentary that stated that we (humans) have an innate, biological desire to be communal and cooperative, I see no comparison from that which is beautiful and natural in nature and ourselves. We live in a world where we need speed signs and police officers to look out for our safety. We need a LAW with a FINE before people can realize that texting on your cellphone while driving may result in in MEANINGLESS DEATHS. The naked, natural, human body is something to cover not because it is sacred, but because it is gross; we uncover it not to marvel at it, but to objectify it and point out flaws. We take as much as we can, and then go in debt to take some more, because we're bloated, greedy, over-compensating, selfish gluttons.

And I start to think about myself and why I want to paint walls a light shade of grey and buy a headboard, second hand or not, because it's all just so stupid and useless. I can argue about aesthetics but at least when standing in an open field, forest, or on top of a mountain, that kind of aesthetic has purpose. At least a painting six feet tall can speak to your soul somehow. I am just a selfish sold-out being who has been infected with ideologies about what success and beauty are.

Ironically, we all like to point an angry finger at God. Mr. White. Standing over us and watching murder and illness and rape and children soldiers. DO SOMETHING, we beg. And you know, I think that God is wherever He is, looking at us, not shuddering in horror because He can't do anything, but shuddering in horror over the fact that we choose evil, breed evil; that we've been on this Earth however long and we keep on doing awful things and being horrible creatures -- be it individual success at the cost of the suffering of others, the mistreatment of children or otherwise. We are choking due to our own actions and behaviours.

We haven't evolved into creatures who rule by strength; we rule by wit. The same wit that hoards and cheats to climb to the top of the pile, and the same wit that created the pile in the first place.

Oh but nature is cruel. Lions take down gazelles. Yeah they take one gazelle out of a herd of a hundred. And then they eat it all. Lions don't hunt lions. Lions don't neglect their young so that their young grow up to be angry. Lions don't form groups that pick on other groups of lions due to their skin colour/clothing style/religious beliefs. But hey.

I'm twenty-five years old and I fear that I can't break out of this human experience of self-hatred. We hate ourselves so we hate others and nothing ever changes.

Can't I just be the coward who hides in a hole, clutching onto the people that I love?