Initiative. Drive. Ambition. Passion. Zeal. Vigor. Yearning. Flip the coin and you've got: Apathy. Diffidence. Indifference. Laziness. Satisfaction. Contentment.

That's just what a thesaurus gets you. Maybe, since they're opposites on a coin, you can't have drive and ambition and be content.

I've always been on the ambition side of the coin. Zeal, yearning, purpose. But then I see myself getting nowhere, and I feel apathetic, indifferent, lazy. So I sink down into the abyss, but no where do I feel contentment or satisfacation... So I must be missing something.

I'm the kind of person who always likes a purpose, a goal. Go to school and become a teacher. Save some money for a trip. Scheme about where I could live. Dream about some possibilities of living life... more interestingly than most people do. I hate money, I just use it so it can get me what I need. It frustrates me that I need to save for something as stupid as new car, since mine will die in a year or two, predictably.

Life is stupid.

What an immature statement. But it's all I feel lately. Everyone needs to work, to make money, to do or build up what they want. I spend money on school so I can make money later. If you have money, you travel and swim with dolphins, you see cool things, go hang gliding, or buy a convertible and a pool in your back yard. Whatever you're in to.

I just wish I could be in my apathetic state and be content, at least. If they're opposites, why am I apathetic and yet have some kind of initiative. Maybe it has to be stamped out. Maybe there's nothing I can do. Maybe settling and doing what life allows you with what you have been given, and what you make for yourself is all you can hope for. If I wanted to see the world; the greenest of the greens and the highest of highs, I should have gotten plastic surgery and become an actress at a young age. My time has passed. I am like Job (and so are you), who I feel sorry for every day, trapped in his little tiny bowl of water, waiting for food to be dropped in daily, swimming around his fake plants and rocks. I wonder if he's content.