I don't know if I could say that I have been particularly happy in the past couple of weeks.

I have been teaching students, and I like them (most of them). A few of them I wish I could be friends with. But I can't be friends with a student because I'm the teacher. And that's weird. I think it's safe to say that I love a lot of the students that I teach. I love the ones who don't have many friends, and who are quiet, and who don't wear makeup, and who are skin-colours other than white, or who can't afford to wear a different pair of shoes every day, more than the others. It's a prejudice I have. It may not necessarily be a good thing to ignore those middle-class white girls and boys, but honestly, they've got it all layed out there for them, and they don't really need me much anyway (except to tell them the damage they're causing).

I have been busy. It's much different being the teacher than being the learner. I don't know if I ever really considered how much marking my teacher had to do, or how much planning went into each lesson. I just kind of assumed they had some kind of script, that they got their handouts from some secret website, and that I was the one who had to do all the work. No, being a student is much easier. I have gotten so busy that I wonder if I could keep up this business for a couple of years until I get used to it. It really does not feel like I "have all the answers." I always thought it would.

And I feel like my friends are lame, and that I am lame, and that the people I really care about really don't know how much I care about them, and I am angry at myself for not being content when I have so much, and I think to myself the reason that I am discontent is because I have so much, and yet it feels like I can't get away from the "muchness", that I am stuck, that I have made my life choices and that I have a path I need to follow, and it's depressing to think that I have a path that I need to follow.

I mean, at best, I'm a quarter way done my life. In the words of the sermon from church today: "What fruit has your life bore?" Most of it has been selfish pursuits and switching beliefs that "God knows my path" to the awful realization that He will let me make my own decisions and there isn't always a clear right or wrong. It may be freeing, but it's much easier and pleasanter thinking that there is a "right" path and not that you just deal with whatever path you get yourself on. That I just have to "figure things out for myself." I used to make deals with God. I'd ask for a sign. I would say "If this is right, make this happen." I've done it pretty recently, too. When I got engaged, and didn't know if I wanted to get married, I asked for a sign, even though at that point I didn't believe that there was "one right path" for my life. Someone had to say something to me, and I couldn't jinx it by bringing up the topic, or asking the question. So-and-so never said such-and-such to me, so I got married. It must be right. When choosing my career, and I wasn't sure whether teaching was "it," I said "If I don't get in to the faculty this time, that's it." I got in. If I change my mind on my decision-making tactics (essentially a coin-toss), my whole worldview unravels. There's no way I could completely trust my own thought-processes.

No. Absolutely not.