You know, I'm not sure if I've said this yet, with all my ups and downs about working (or lack of working) and spending most hours of the day by myself, but...
This summer is pretty awesome.
Once I came to accept the fact that I truly did give a valiant effort to putting full time hours toward something, I have began enjoying my quiet mornings and quiet afternoons all the more. My last blog just said I wanted to meditate, but even just being in my own quiet zone for a couple hours every day has been pretty great. Not quite meditative, maybe, but I think it clears the mind just the same. I always knew growing up that if things were not "right" or "balanced" in my life, I wouldn't be able to be on my own for more than a few minutes without wanting to scream or call someone or busy myself so my thoughts didn't attack and destroy me. Even when I had that bad sleep paralysis episode last time, I didn't want to be alone. A silly thing called fear gets in the way.
Yesterday I did something I have wanted to do for a long time. Pick up Daniel's longboard, and ride it. It always sits cradled lovingly in our closet, untouched. I went longboarding when I was like sixteen maybe three times, and like it, except for the fact that if you fall off you land on pavement, not snow, (although snow sometime doesn't hurt any less, just less scrapes and more bruises maybe), and you can't simply spin around and come to a halt. In fact, I don't really know how to stop. I decided I would go around my apartment. I picked up the longboard and went to go down the stairs and peered out the window. I heard childrens voices. Suddenly I felt all clammy and fidgety, wondering if this was a good idea. Those kids could probably longboard better than me. What if I hit a curb or fall off, or I can't stop and the longboard crashes into somebodies vehicle? What if little elementary or highschool students point at me?
Fear gets in the way of everything.
If people could simply live without fear, think of what a world we would have. Instead fear is one of the main ways society functions. For fear of getting a ticket, we don't speed. For fear of getting caught, we don't steal. For fear of getting made fun of, a person doesn't try longboarding. For fear of what one's family may think, one may not choose the career path he or she wants. For fear of the future, one may simply choose to play it safe.
So I'm trying to eliminate fear from my life. It turns up in the silliest places, and really prevents me from reaching my fullest potential. Nervousness I will probably never be able to do away with, but nervousness is sometimes helpful, despite its annoying presence. Fear, however, I could do away with.
"The moment you venture out, something takes place in you and about you. Life comes to your aid in various ways. You may not like the form in which it comes to you--it may be misery, struggle, starvation--but when you invite life, things begin to happen. But you see, we don't want to invite life, we want to play a safe game; and those who play a safe game die very safely. Is that not so?"
Think on These Things, 144
Well I did go longboarding. With a friend and then again solo. It just may turn into a hobby as well as transportation device for me. Hurray!
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