I am not straight.

So, I was driving home from school today and suddenly the straightness of everything really started to bother me.

No, I'm not a lesbian.

I've heard from more than one art class that the invention of the straight line is just that -- an invention, and it's man-made. Nature is full of asymetrical curves and lines, yes, with jagged rock that appears straight but has little tiny jigs and jags and although I'm pretty sure a straight line must be SOMEWHERE in nature, if you just take a good look at it, it's not a common occurance. At all. So here I was driving, thinking about this, and I looked and admired the trees on the side of the road. With nice little snowy heaps gathered on top. Nice little wintery trees that look so pretty. Asymetrical, curvy and all different, but beautiful. Then there was the road. The straight road. The straight lines seperating lanes. The straight signs. Straight words. Straight houses. Straight vehicles. I thought about myself. I looked down at my fingers. One might describe their fingers as straight, but they aren't. At least mine aren't. My legs aren't straight. I'm not straight. I'm glad I'm not straight cause I don't like straight lines. One of the most annoying things about painting is straight lines. I am not naturally good at drawing them. I used to be - and still am, to quite a degree - mostly preferent to very realistic art. I'd say my art is quite realist. But there's something to be said about the fact that you can look at a person just fine, so why bother drawing it just like that? Why bother drawing a picture-perfect picture when you can just take a picture? This is what got me started.

I love nature. I LOVE nature. The worst thing about moving away from the farm I grew up on was leaving that behind. The odd patch of trees planted along streets just doesn't cut it for me. I hear people say, more than not, that they couldn't bear to live on a farm, or in a small town. Not convenient enough. Not enough to do. They want bigger towns. Better towns. More convenience. More things to do. I have had these thoughts myself. But deep down, to my core, I desire nature. Simplicity. True beauty. Snow that hasn't been wrangled and mangled and dirtied by people and cars and pollution. Just nature. I miss it, I want it, and I want to be in it; my un-straight ness with its un-straightness. We just seem to get along. I'm not sure what makes me feel more content and happy than nature.

Everyone's just so. Rushy. I am, too. I'm trying to put an end to this stupid rushy theme of living that gets everyone high strung and grouchy and rushed and panicked and rushed. More than not, I'm late. This is just a fact of my life, but believe it or not, I put effort into being on time a lot. It just doesn't pan out. So the other day I was going to be on time for the first time in a while, and lone behond a train stopped my path and made me late. But for the first time instead of sighing or throwing my head back or gripping the steering wheel, I just watched the train go by. Put the car in park and looked at the graffiti. Thought about what it'd be like to be on a train through the prairie or through the moutains, surrounded by trees and rocks and going where cars can't go. It was nice.

I want to be a person who appreciates where I am. Maybe even an optimist, in this world where nothing goes right and people have never and will never evolve into being more moral, or better species. We never will. I've spent most of my life relenting this fact. I probably always will. But as much as I think relenting it is important, and the nievity and materialism and individuality with no regard of others of our culture is astonishing and disgusting, there ARE good people out there. There are people who've got it right. I've talked to them. There's nature and paths to follow and things to do and instead of always seeing all the dirty microscopic up close things like an ant, carrying way too much burden on our backs, sometimes we have to be a bird leaving it all below and appreciating the Earth and that we've got life to live and things to do and achieve and create and learn. Get out of the straight city and straight life with straight goals and determined views. None of us are straight. So we should stop trying to be.