The world lacks ambition. There is so much potential for us in the world. It's a huge earth with so much diversity. Problems to solve; to create. My biggest fear is growing old having done nothing but have a great, happy, but unachieving life. Maybe that is seen as odd to some people. Maybe it makes perfect sense to others. I just feel like marriage, kids, and a career are all wonderful achievable things. But I also feel like there is more than that. I know I won't be one of those people whose name goes down in history. I don't want that-- that's not what I mean by achievment. I mean doing every possible thing you want to do in your life. Not waiting till your old and cold but taking advantage of youth and spontaneity. Whatever it is that fits your definition of dreams and goals. Whether it be sky diving, writing a book, picking a lemon off a tree, or trying to solve world poverty.

I know people who truly "live the dream", people who plan to, and people who don't. All I know is we aren't getting younger. I want to take advantage of the life I've given--however long or short I might have.

I feel like getting away. Forgetting about the things that are pulling me in every direction and just being surrounded by nature. Music wouldn't fill the empty silence. Advertisments wouldn't. People wouldn't. Just me, and nature, and answers, and peace. That is definitely my greatest desire right now. To just be, and to feel content with every single thing in my life. Not to worry about anyone in terms of taking care of, or hurting or pleasing. No cell phone. No worries. Just answers. And peace.

I've spent an entire day fighting with myself about opinions on what I want my life to be, what my dreams and goals are, and thinking about people who do and don't have it right. I find life the most difficult when trying to decipher what I am doing between what I could be doing. I think I spend a lot of time dwelling on the what ifs, as well as thinking about the other side of the fence with greener grass. There's always something Im desiring, it seems. Even if it's contrary. Something unreachable. It's frustrating, and confusing. I see people with such strong direction in their lives and begin to envy them. Knowing just what you want and how to get there seems great. Then I see people who don't have all the answers and have wild ambitions for non-regular things and can take off for months and seem to have this incredible freedom and choice. Then I envy them. Living life so incredibly free is probably my deepest desire. It seems to go hand in hand with loneliness though. And I hate being lonely. I've always had this fear of being "tied down", and yet i do want stability. I hate authority and being told what to and what not to do. I hate limitations. I like being able to know that if I really wanted to, I could do anything. But it seems life is not this way. I take a look at my decision making process all through life and Nothing is practical. I don't really like things practical. But without it, usually i wind up hurt over something. Half the time I can't even make decisions. I'm always scared of the wrong choices. There is so much hidden potential in everything. All life is is choice. I feel so incredibly young, yet old. Young because I have done so little, old because there's a lot I have to choose. Life long things. Marriage. Career. Those are too big choices i have already made. I want these things, desire these things, dream these things. But it "ties" and can leave me feeling scared. I hate that. Because these are things I want. I don't feel normal with these fears. Am I the only one who views life this way? Does it cripple me? Is it good or bad to always be desiring more? It's just one of those battling confusing days for me. Sometimes, I think having a brain like mine that over analyzes and thinks through things way too thoroughly is a downfall rather than an evolutionary advancement. Pretty sure, in the microevolutionary chain, I'm a weak link in this respect. Either that or some kind of mutation that will lead to revolutionizing mankind as a whole. One or the other.

Last night I dreamed I put sugar in my coffee and took a sip and my mouth was full of sugar. Like, really full. I was literally gagging and choking. I was trying to spit it out but there was so much. I was rincing my mouth out forever.

Dreammoods.com failed me. They don't have anything about the interpretation of choking on sugar. Dissapointing.